Location: Berea, Ohio, United States

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

On second thought...

When rereading my last post it made me think... although I'm telling about a story that to me is very painful and of course not very pleseant, it's not the only story to my life. I am a different person than my mother, but I love her very much and have forgiven her for everything. I've realized that life is a choice and by my choices I've put myself in a better position than the way I grew up. I know that I am my own person, but I would also be very naive to think that I'm not influenced by my past and that I don't take on some of the same charcteristics as those that do come from broken homes. This journal is something to help me in my road to understanding who I am. I know that I am influenced by my past and I also know that I don't have to be defined by it. I know that I was born with limitation just like everybody else and I also know that just like everybody else, the environment that I grew up in has also set some limitations on my life. My goal is to simply understand my strengths and weaknesses and do the best that I can for myself and for others.

This journal will not only focus on my past. There are so many things going on now in my life that can be great and fun. There are things that are challenging and there are things that are not so good. These things will be talked about but for now I wanted to talk about my past because it's what's been on my mind the past few days.

I wonder if writing really helps.... this is my story (part 1)

I recently found out that when my mom was born something happened to her medically (I'm not sure what exactly) and she needed to be put on oxygen. The dr.s told her parents that as a result of the treatment (or the problem, not really sure) that later in her life when she hit puberty she might develop mental problems. My aunt told me that when my mom was a child she was treated like the princess of the family. Once she hit puberty she started having several boyfriends and became and alcoholic at a young age. She got married when she was 16 to get out of the house, of course that didn't last. Since then she's been married 5 times of and has had 5 kids, 4 four of which are from different marriages. I and my three younger brothers and one older sister all grew up believing that my mom was severily abused as a child and that because of the abuse she had multiple personality disorder and bi-polar disorder and a bunch of other things. Now as an adult I've learned that that might or might not actually be the case. When I talk to my mom's sister she says that she doesn't know if my mom was abused or not. She said that she can only go by what she remembers which was that my mom was treated like the princess of the family and things were normal for her until she hit puberty. She said that their father had some weird tendancies, but that she doesn't remember ever seeing or hearing anything that seemed like abuse. My mom says that my aunt is in denial (or at least this was her opinion the last time we talked about it). When we were growing up and even still today my mom would always get memories or "flashbacks" is what became the household word, and they would always be really dramatic and violent. She would yell and cry and stay in her bedroom for most of the day. This could last for days. She says there are times of the year when it's worse for her. I remember for months at a time she would just hide in her room coming out every now and then but not nearly enough for a child or her 5 children to have the proper parenting.

At various times througout my life she would drink heavily and habitually and then quit for several years. She went to detox centers a few times and regularly went to AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings although I think there were some years when she didn't go. Between her alcoholism and mental disorders things were very inconsistant.

I know there are people out there that have been through similar stuff that could probably explain what it's like in these situations. Everybody has a different experience. For me it was like I was constantly walking on eggshells. Things were always changing and my mom was so unstable. I never new my dad until later in life, but my mom was married to my step dad until I was 7(?). When they got divorced she didn't date anybody for a while and when she did it was women. She said that she kept getting memories back about how her dad was hurting her and it made her not want to be with a man. So for years she was a lesbian and throughout this period she was drinking and I don't think she was really working either... I don't really remember though. This is when she hid in her room all the time. When she was married to my step dad her room was the living room... they slept on a fold out couch and then just folded it up during the day so that we could have a living room. When they divorced he moved out and she took one of the two bedrooms and made three younger brothers sleep in the living room while my sister and I shared the other bedroom. She started having grilfriends and the relatioships would last for a few months to a year or so. They would move in after only being with my mom for a short time and then move out when they broke up.

I can remember feeling so violated at these times. I had no privacy and my mom once told me when she was drunk that I was her favorite. Her and always had a different bond than she had with the rest of my siblings. She would tell me things about her personal life and confide in me somtimes. I don't know if she did this with my other siblings. She was very open sexually and although she never did anything to me directly there were other things that went on in the house and things that I saw and heard that I really shouldn't have. Because of all of this and other things, the boundaries between the mother daughter relationship became blurred.

I grew up keeping to myself but never really having a chance to explore my own identity. My social skills lacked, I had very limited resources, and had no real guidance. My only parent at the time was sleeping around, unstable, and a drunk.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Why is it hard to find something to write about?'s getting late. To brief you, this is basically going to be a journal. It won't be overly personal, but will have some personal thoughts and events that occur from day to day. One primary reason this blog was set up was because I recently became aware of what it means to be an adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA). I am an ACoA and have found that other people from similar situations need to be able to relate to people and also to be able to talk and get their thoughts and feelings out. This is meant to be insight into the mind if an ACoA as well as a chance for me to get my own thoughts and feelings out. I'm curious to see how my daily actions and events reflect my childhood, it helps with learning who I am. For now I'm a 20 year old, female college student majoring in biology and hopefully nursing in the near future. I love to work out and run and two great movies that I've seen recently are "The Notebook" and "Spanglish". Of course my childhood won't be the only focus of this journal, but it is a major area of my life right now and I'm hoping that blogging will give me a chance to explore this and get input from others:-)