I wonder if writing really helps.... this is my story (part 1)

I recently found out that when my mom was born something happened to her medically (I'm not sure what exactly) and she needed to be put on oxygen. The dr.s told her parents that as a result of the treatment (or the problem, not really sure) that later in her life when she hit puberty she might develop mental problems. My aunt told me that when my mom was a child she was treated like the princess of the family. Once she hit puberty she started having several boyfriends and became and alcoholic at a young age. She got married when she was 16 to get out of the house, of course that didn't last. Since then she's been married 5 times of and has had 5 kids, 4 four of which are from different marriages. I and my three younger brothers and one older sister all grew up believing that my mom was severily abused as a child and that because of the abuse she had multiple personality disorder and bi-polar disorder and a bunch of other things. Now as an adult I've learned that that might or might not actually be the case. When I talk to my mom's sister she says that she doesn't know if my mom was abused or not. She said that she can only go by what she remembers which was that my mom was treated like the princess of the family and things were normal for her until she hit puberty. She said that their father had some weird tendancies, but that she doesn't remember ever seeing or hearing anything that seemed like abuse. My mom says that my aunt is in denial (or at least this was her opinion the last time we talked about it). When we were growing up and even still today my mom would always get memories or "flashbacks" is what became the household word, and they would always be really dramatic and violent. She would yell and cry and stay in her bedroom for most of the day. This could last for days. She says there are times of the year when it's worse for her. I remember for months at a time she would just hide in her room coming out every now and then but not nearly enough for a child or her 5 children to have the proper parenting.

At various times througout my life she would drink heavily and habitually and then quit for several years. She went to detox centers a few times and regularly went to AA (alcoholics anonymous) meetings although I think there were some years when she didn't go. Between her alcoholism and mental disorders things were very inconsistant.

I know there are people out there that have been through similar stuff that could probably explain what it's like in these situations. Everybody has a different experience. For me it was like I was constantly walking on eggshells. Things were always changing and my mom was so unstable. I never new my dad until later in life, but my mom was married to my step dad until I was 7(?). When they got divorced she didn't date anybody for a while and when she did it was women. She said that she kept getting memories back about how her dad was hurting her and it made her not want to be with a man. So for years she was a lesbian and throughout this period she was drinking and I don't think she was really working either... I don't really remember though. This is when she hid in her room all the time. When she was married to my step dad her room was the living room... they slept on a fold out couch and then just folded it up during the day so that we could have a living room. When they divorced he moved out and she took one of the two bedrooms and made three younger brothers sleep in the living room while my sister and I shared the other bedroom. She started having grilfriends and the relatioships would last for a few months to a year or so. They would move in after only being with my mom for a short time and then move out when they broke up.

I can remember feeling so violated at these times. I had no privacy and my mom once told me when she was drunk that I was her favorite. Her and always had a different bond than she had with the rest of my siblings. She would tell me things about her personal life and confide in me somtimes. I don't know if she did this with my other siblings. She was very open sexually and although she never did anything to me directly there were other things that went on in the house and things that I saw and heard that I really shouldn't have. Because of all of this and other things, the boundaries between the mother daughter relationship became blurred.

I grew up keeping to myself but never really having a chance to explore my own identity. My social skills lacked, I had very limited resources, and had no real guidance. My only parent at the time was sleeping around, unstable, and a drunk.